To Let Go
by TPHPSW15
Summary: A nice simple one-shot of Steve's thoughts on 15 year old Bucky. Because there is not enough 15 year old Bucky fanfics


''Steve, I can't see'', Bucky complained.

''That's because you're too short, you little rascal.''

Bucky glared at Steve and crossed his arms.

''Alright, come here." Steve held out his arms and Bucky's eyes lit up as he jumped into his grasp. Steve hoisted him up onto his shoulders and made sure he was perched, stable enough not to fall.

''How's that?''

''Much better, thanks.''

It wasn't much of a 4th of July, considering their current location, but it was better than nothing. Steve couldn't believe another year had passed him and the commandos by.

Bucky had turned seventeen the March before, and Steve marked that down as two years that they were watching each other's backs.

Steve wouldn't lie, he knew Bucky was an odd kid. Two years ago he was fifteen and being told he would be the sidekick to Captain America... mostly because he caught him putting on the uniform. The squirt was always getting himself into trouble. But even now, a few months of being seventeen under his belt, he still acted way younger. Maybe he was immature, perhaps he was just going to stay a child at heart. Most likely, what Steve theorized, his lack of a childhood made him crave the wonder and affection one would receive. He wasn't around Rebecca enough to know if she did the same thing as her older brother.

After two years it was difficult to deny that he felt protective over him. He once was just as small- smaller actually- than Bucky and had a list a mile long of health problems. Buck was in perfectly good health, but his rambunctious attitude and tendency to be impulsive made for some very tense moments. Like when they were taking down a HYDRA base a few months before. Bucky, as always, wanted to take the sleathy approach while Steve and the other commandos distracted everyone by bursting through the front door. Long story short, Bucky's witty remarks of 'heads up' or 'comin at ya' were said too soon and resulted in a black eye.

Luckily all he received was a black eye. Steve couldn't imagine what the big burly HYRDA agent would've done if he wouldn't have reacted fast enough and launched his shield at him, knocking him unconscious. Don't get Steve wrong, Bucky knew how to fight, and usually could hold his own, but he was more skilled in assassinations than open combat.

If Steve got really honest, he had a few passing thoughts of kicking Bucky off the squad. Not because he felt he was inadequate, or that he was compromised. Just because he was a teenager. More importantly, a teenager that didn't know what a normal life was.

To go anywhere near someone being compromised, it would be Steve. A little over a year ago, they were running a hostage situation and it ended with the building blown up and the hostages running around panicking as another bomb was about to go off. The commandos were ordered to protect the people being held there, and Steve was doing so. He was grabbing hostages and hurrying them out the side of the building that had blown open when he heard the warning 'IT'S GONNA BLOW'. He saw a hostage, a woman in her late or early thirties lying next to the bomb and he saw Bucky over in the corner. He wasn't as close to the bomb, but still within the blast range.

In the split second decision Steve made, two things went through his mind: The first being that the woman had no chance of surviving if Steve didn't help her, she already seemed injured and without any defense, she would go instantly. Bucky being farther away, at most, would have some burn damage. The other thought Steve had was, who would miss the woman. Her possible husband and children, her siblings, parents, friends, it went on. Choosing to defy his orders, Steve sprinted over to Bucky and huddled down with his shield over him and the fire went over them.

Steve was reprimanded back at base for protecting a teammate that was in less danger than the hostage. Did he feel guilty that the woman died and that he didn't save her? Yes. Did he regret saving Bucky instead of her? Not even in the slightest. And it scared Steve that the death of a woman he was told to save was less important than Bucky being slightly harmed. He felt selfish that many people would grieve over the woman, but he would have missed Bucky, and that was what brought him to his decision.

Bucky was a light-hearted boy, he was always smiling and goofing around, but he had this amazing skill. He could communicate even the most complicated emotion with ease through a stare. Steve was greeted by Bucky outside the tent after being lectured and his gaze said everything. "Yes, I've been standing here the whole time", "Thanks, but why didn't you save the woman?", and, "I'm aware that you are scared for my well-being every time we go out on the field."

He was gonna get Steve killed one day. Not because he did something he wasn't supposed to, but because Steve would.

As Bucky watched the fireworks, Steve looked up to see the outline of his face on every pop of an explosion. His eyes gleamed in awe from the show being displayed and his laugh melted Steve's heart. All this time Steve thought Bucky was a little brother figure, someone to stand up for when he couldn't. Just like him before the serum. But coming into two years with him, it was clear. Once when Bucky was caught and tossed onto the snow and his wrist was twisted, Steve later sat with him as it was wrapped up and patted him on the back. Or how so many times Steve was the one who told Bucky what was wrong or right and he was the one who taught him how not to give a punch, but to take one. He went to Steve for advice, and the other men actually went to Steve with 'Bucky did this, what are you gonna do about it' as if Steve was the only one with punishment rights.

It hit Steve in the gut like a bag of bricks; it almost took his breath away. Bucky wasn't his little brother, he was his son.

In the history books it would say Bucky was his sidekick, but it wouldn't cover how Bucky once got the flu and Steve was the one who sat with him and rubbed his back. Or how they would joke around like a bunch of idiots in the middle of the night when they couldn't sleep. It suddenly made Steve feel depressed. How long until this game of pretend was ripped from him? One day, sooner or later, Bucky won't be his sidekick. He'll be all grown up and somewhere else. Another person will soon realize what's going on and come to the conclusion that Bucky shouldn't be near Steve, because no matter what, he's gonna make the wrong decision- that Captain America can't be this protective over one single person, or even realize that this kid shouldn't be here and that he should be off living as a kid, not in war. And Steve will never see him again.

Well, Steve got what he wanted. No one took Bucky out of the war from him. He stayed. Steve raised him. It made Steve feel even more selfish watching the plane that grew smaller from distance, explode with his son he'd been looking out for for six years now still stuck to it. It relieved Steve that he was alive long enough to feel the despair of losing him for mere seconds. Why was Steve selfish? Why did he have to keep Bucky? Wasn't he smart enough to know one day he wouldn't be able to keep that nightmare he had from happening? He doesn't hear himself scream out for him because the wind whips in his ears too loudly. And then it goes black.

Time went by and he awakened. Steve didn't want that; he wanted to be away from the pain. The pain of failing him. It got worse as the Red Skull wouldn't leave those fears and weaknesses alone. He exploited them by making him revisit the scene. Even in his dreams he couldn't escape. They started as memories, but then transformed into nightmares that not even Steve could believe his subconscious could cook up.

It's suddenly so much more disturbing- to find out that no, he didn't die immediately. His death was prolonged for years.

Luckily, everything finally figures itself out.

He's standing on a rooftop with the Avengers and Bucky. It's the 4th of July again. Bucky smiles at him, telling him everything is okay with that stare. It's been difficult. Bucky didn't want anything to do with Steve. He was too scared. Steve caught him spying on him every once in a while from afar. He wished he could tell him that he would accept him back with open arms.

Then Steve died, and the thing he made sure of, was that Bucky had someone to look out for him. That he had a purpose, because it kept him up at night that he would get a call that Winter Soldier offed himself.

Everything is okay now, until another mission. Right now, Steve knows that Bucky doesn't need him anymore- not like he use to, and neither does Steve. But it sure does make him feel more relaxed to know that he's safe at last and by his side again. He now feels more like a colleague than a son, and Steve's alright with that.

However, not a day will go by that he won't remember when Bucky was small and wanted to sit on his shoulders to watch fireworks.


End file.
